" I believe in the sun even when it is not love even when I am alone...and in God even when He is silent."

inscription found scatched into a wall in Germany, by someone hiding from Nazi concentration camps

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Moving, moving, moving

k...World's fastest blog....we are moving to Reno, NV....I was only told less than a week before Christmas...we flew to the other side of the country to find a house... found one...back before Christmas...barely! Did Christmas-yeah, joy, love good packing....should of just thrown the christmas tree on top of the suburban...loaded the 4 kids, and hit the road...packing is no fun...I'm used to magical crews of people who come in and pack for me...not this time when Paul's new company is on the "reimbursement" mentality. We just don't have $80,000 to throw we are on our own economic crisis plan.....and I despise hard labor....but hard labor it is~hope you are enjoying your holiday season...relax and enjoy...I'll do the work! I just checked my fellow bloggers blogs...beautiful...I have no time left in this break to comment...but I love you guys....until??????

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Happy 2nd Bday Zachary Steven Ashton...we miss you!

This will be my blog of love. I don't want to write about this because of the emotions it stirs...I know my friend Gil feels like her pain has no boundries and, even though December 13 is a day of celebration, it causes rememberence for loss. I am posting a bit late...we had a impromptu family cruise, and impromptu last minute surgery gone wrong for me...and so these pictures come a few days late!
On Saturday December 13, 2008 we had just returned to our port in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. We had a long drive home to NC and knew we were going to participate in my best friend, Gil's, celebration of Zach's 2nd birthday who, as many of you know, returned to our Father in Heaven exactly 10 months ago. She asked if those who would celebrate with her would let a balloon go in his honor with a note attached of their spiritual gift they would give to Heavenly Father. Gil has told me many times over the past 10 months of how she wants more than anything to live a better life to be sure of the reunion with her precious Zach...this is something that at times worries her. To all and any of us who know Gil...we don't worry for a second. I have been a few places in my life...known many different people...and there is no better friend, sister, wife, cousin, auntie, daughter, daughter-in-law, mommy, on and on and on than my sweet friend Gil. For her and her family to include us in this celebration is such an honor and a privilage!
So....we saw the rain clouds coming and pulled over quickly in Lake Charles, FL and bought our balloons at a Publix grocery store!
I was the photographer - I felt such a joy in writing on the tag...celebrating the cutest boy evers birthday. I knew Zach would feel of my love and I knew Heavenly Father knew of my heart and how Zach's precious little life has touched and changed me forever.
But as we let those 6 white balloons go....I just could hold it in no longer and the tears and pain at loss overwhelmed me. I stood in the parking lot bawling. Quickly, a cute Publix grocery store man, in his 70's, and another girl worker in her 20's ran over. They thought I was crying at the sudden release and loss of these balloons -the old man ran towards us with a wicker broom hoping to help us in our despair. It was really sweet and then they saw the tags - Paul solemenly told them of it's meaning and the real reason for my tears. It was neat to see 2 people so willing to help...and 6 people looking towards heaven with hope and promise that Zach and our loving Heavenly Father would see our message that we pledged to change ourselves.
Pain really has no boundaries. My heart froze...literally froze the night Gil called me and told me that Zach had left this earth. My life will never be the same. I have changed and grown in ways I never would of without this experience. Love is different to me. It is deeper, it doesn't judge, it holds promise and growth, and it just feels different. I love people...I really try to do good....I want to help when I can...I wish everyone well....but this isn't about is about my best friend Gil who has been a true daughter of God. She is real, she hurts, she tries so hard, she laughs when she can, she holds on, she has faith, she believes, she suffers alone and she suffers with others, she keeps going and making pumpkin bars for others!, she keeps up!!!!!! Gil would hate it if I told you she was my hero but sorry are and you are a sister and a friend to me. You love your children and you love one little boy who is now with Heavenly good and constant care of Him until birthdays will be celebrated again together! Until then we have balloons and love and an incredible faith and hope of better days and happy times. Grateful I am in a loving Heavenly Father who guides us in life allowing us to see what is really important, whose promises are real and unchanging in such a changing world. I don't know too much but I do know that Families are forever and that we are all here to help each other along the way. I am blessed in my life! Thank you Zach! We love you and your family!

The Guthrie's in 2006

The Guthrie's in 2006